The second US Air Guitar Semi-Final of 2013 is in the books, ladies and gentlemen, and boy do I wish I had been there. DC isn't that far from Boston, right?
This semi-final took in the top two finishers from this year's qualifiers in DC, Nashville, St. Louis, and - exciting new location! - St. Petersburg, Florida, as well as the organizers and last year's winners from those same cities, if applicable. It looks like they also invited any past competitors with a stellar enough track record, just like the NYC semifinal, since like NYC, there were only 4 qualifiers feeding into this event.
Here's what went down:
- The judges were, for the first time, all past performers. Hot Lixx Hulahan, The Shred (the man who snapped his ankle like a dry twig in a DC regional a few years ago and still finished his routine), and Fender Splendor all manned the whiteboards. Whether this leads to tougher or kinder scores is unknowable, but you know the scores will be really fair - these guys know JUST how hard everything you're doing is.
- The Marquis (competed last year in Boston, won the DC qualifier this year) brought his signature pomp and wig-enstance... and tights. Look, this is a sport where you wind up knowing a lot about your fellow competitors' bodies, let's just put it that way.
- Van Dammage plucked both guitar strings (invisible) and heartstrings (possibly not a real thing; look this up) as his usual seductive self. To the point where a fan threw him a rose, which he caught in his teeth like the ladykiller he is, upon which it CUT HIS FACE OPEN AND HE BLED ALL OVER THE PLACE. Ew. I don't know if that was staged or not, but I'm on board with it.
- His lovely wife Cleoplectra narrowly skirted the "one competitor onstage at a time" rule by concealing the additional participant in her womb. That's right, she was rocking with Pregnancy Power! And she was dressed as a girl scout, which I never knew they made maternity outfits for!
- You may recall T. Slaypool from the Boston qualifier, where he wore KOOL-logo pants which he promptly split (accidentally). This time, he embraced his inner Tobias-ness, which is truly uncanny, and didn't risk exposing himself: rather than eminently splittable pants, he stuck with never-nude cutoffs, and even... blue himself. I am not making that up at all. Look, here he is with Hot Lixx and Nordic Thunder:
photo credit hot lixx hulahan, who also appears in the picture, so... hmm.If you didn't watch it, for some reason, let me tell you what you just missed. Fretless was not satisfied by wearing the shortest shorts this side of Lemmy (and if you've seen the documentary, you know what I'm talking about)... he climbed up to dangle from the balcony, and then jumped off into a somersault landing - so in other words he looked like he landed on his head. Everyone who watches this video yells or swears or gasps at that moment, and I can promise you that you will too.
Obviously that's not something you can beat lightly, even though Hot Lixx only gave him a 5.8 for his troubles (the other 2 judges gave up a full 6.0) and also even though Van Dammage came in from the first round with a pretty great score of his own. But no one was prepared for what happened next.
There was a tie.
There was a 3-way tie.
Tommy Fretless, Thunder Stroock, and the Marquis were all tied for first place. So while this automatically meant that they would all be heading to LA for the national finals, there still had to be only one winner of the DC Semi-Final. So... there was an air-off. To the strains of "Ace of Spades," which is not only a very solid air guitar song on its own merits, but which also holds a place in history as the song 16 air guitarists played at the New Belgium brewery when we were in Colorado for last year's finals in Denver, and which resulted in that brewery rewarding them with 3 free cases of beer. So, in other words, it is a song rich in memory, and also you should reward New Belgium with your business for being such a strong supporter of the arts.
The winner of the air-off was your now-3-time DC champion, Tommy Fretless - and Thunderstroock and the Marquis remained tied! Let this be a lesson to you all: while the new format means that this year is the year of the new person, that only goes as far as qualifiers. At the semi-finals, competing against veteran air guitar champions, those past champs are still going to be a serious force to be reckoned with. Fretless has won DC a bunch of times; Thunderstroock took Nashville last year. Only the Marquis is a newcomer to the victor's circle. And if you think back to NYC's semifinal, you've got the same thing happening, with 2 multiple-time regional winners and one qualifier's winner from this year, although it's true that he had not come in first prior to this year.
I can't wait for LA. Heck, I can't even wait for the other two semi-finals.