From what I understand, a pole won the San Francisco qualifier. And stage-bombed every competitor.
No? Wait, let me check my sources.
Ok, here we go. The pole merely photo-bombed every competitor. The winner, well, hang on. We'll get there.
photo credit Hot Lixx Hulahan
So this was the San Francisco US Air Guitar Qualifier! San Francisco is a historic hotbed of air guitar. Not only is this the home of 2006 and 2008 US Champ and 2008 World Champion Hot Lixx Hulahan, not only is it so rockin' that for 3 years they had to have 2 separate competitions, but it is the home of the man, the myth, the legend... Tiger Claw. This man not only competes (and consumes prodigious quantities of beer) but also runs the San Francisco Air Force, a local air guitar training camp and year-round competition league. He is basically an air guitar hero for America. Just to give you some background on how h-core San Francisco is.
This evening of revelry and devilry took place at the Red Devil Lounge (see what I did there?) and was hosted by Goldi Roxx. One problem, though, is that other than her, there was a serious lack of women on the stage! The call went out for walk-ons. Lady walk-ons. And lo and behold, they responded!
But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The walk-ons went on after all the registered participants, and those registered participants certainly brought it. Some highlights:
- Following a slew of low scores, Shred "Theodore" Logan impressed the judges enough to bag the highest scores of the night, which meant higher than 5.5
- 3-time San Francisco winner and naked-but-for-an-elephant-thong rollerblader, Cold Steel Renegade surprised the crowd with a mustache and lush wavy curls, and also with uncharacteristically low scores (well, low for a champ - 5.7 would be unthinkably high for, say, me)
- And Shred Boy RD (or this time just "Boy") straight up died onstage. Well, not literally. As far as I know he is in perfect health. Please do not call the local authorities.
But then. Oh, then. It was time for the walk-ons. The lady walk-ons. And while most of them were your usual type of walk-ons in that they had high enthusiasm but perhaps not especially high scores, there was one - Pops Rockwood - who not only brought enthusiasm but also kicked so much ass that she coaxed the first 6.0 of the night out of the judges! Now, in case you're new to this whole competitive air guitar thing, let me explain why a walk-on getting a 6.0 is such a big deal. It's hard enough to get a perfect score on a song you've edited and heard a hundred times, but a walk-on will have only heard this particular edit of this song that same night. And she still nailed it.
This, in combination with the fact that the other scores had tended to be on the low side, made her lead pretty alarming for her fellow second-round competitors. They would have to pull down some awesome second-round scores to unseat her. But once she hopped onto two audience members' shoulders and mushed them over to the bar, where she dismounted and finished the song, it was all over - straight sixes! Pops Rockwood, a walk-on from the crowd, had taken San Francisco, with Cold Steel Renegade in second place.
Two conclusions can be drawn here:
- This is the year of the newbie! Due to the new format, plenty of past competitors are hosting or judging the contests instead, and last year's regional winners have a pass to the second round. This opens up the field and we've seen a new competitor take Chicago already - and there was a competition in St. Petersburg, Florida, which is somewhere there has never been a competition before!
- Everyone should be very, very afraid of Pops Rockwood.
Intrigued? Think you can totally do this? Considering signing up next year?
