Thursday night was the US Air Guitar Dark Horse competition, and I promised to live-tweet it, and I let you down. I tried to tweet, I promise! No one's phone got any service in the bar - but I took notes the whole time, so here you go.
First off, it was super crowded in there! Like, to the point of not moving your arms where you stood. This is great because it means tons of people were there, but it also meant it was IMPOSSIBLE to move or see the stage unless you were either a) picked up and moved there, or b) a total jerk who pushed through people. I am not a total jerk, so a lot of the time I could see parts of people's performances, but I think through the combination of talking to everyone and listening to the judges' commentary, and then eventually scooting up forwards enough to where I could see the stage, I've got it covered. Except when I really had to pee and missed one performance. Scores were tough to hear, sometimes, since the judges were up on some high balcony and none of us could see them, or barely hear them, so the USAG officials (who were dressed, as usual, as women) were repeating them out to us. So sometimes I'm short a score. Survive.
Speaking of scores, they tended to be high - not outlandishly high, well-deservedly - so that meant it was a really tough competition to get into the second round. Let me give you the rundown. This is all from notes on my phone with no punctuation, so if I HAD BEEN able to tweet, that's what you would've gotten. Here we go. Get ready, there were nearly 30 competitors!
Andres SegoviAIR kicked it off with classical and got good scores - unfortunately I hadn't figured out yet that the 3 guys I could see were NOT judges, and that I was supposed to be looking for 3 other guys whom I couldn't see, so I don't have his scores. They were good though. Oh wait - what I mean was apparently that two of them were good and the other one was ridiculous: 5.7, 5.8, 4.8. Thanks, SegoviAIR, for giving me the details!
Lady Airabella continued the trend of having classy people onstage, which was a 2-person trend. 5.0, 5.3, 5.4.
Air Jesus hit the stage next. He did have his own centurion but he played "Another One Bites the Dust" which is... pretty much all bass. He did a good job but it was technically the wrong instrument, so his scores were mixed - a 4.0, but also a 5.7 and a 5.6.
Kara Picante brought it and got 5.6, 5.6, and 5.666. Does that technically count as a 5.7? Do we round up? Someone bring me Mathromancer's magical spreadsheet.
Six String General did not staple anything to himself this time, thank god; I'm not sure the wounds have even healed yet from the San Francisco Semi-Final. I don't have his scores, I'm afraid.
First-timer winner of the Chicago qualifier Midnight Maniaxe rocked Dokken and had a whirlwind of hair flying around his head. I'm so glad I got to see him in person because I had heard great things, and he lived up to all the hype. 5.8, 5.8, 5.9.
Airy and the Fendersons dissected a blow-up guitar and got straight 5.5s.
Then along came a competitor going by the name Your Mother. She hit the stage and brought serious precision, and I was thinking "where did she come from? I hadn't heard about any 'Your Mother' anywhere!" Then someone who could see better and knew more than me clued me in: this was none other than 2010 LA Regional winner, Bride of Rock. So. Ringer?
Vlad DM Wailer understands that when you've got an awesome belly, you really can't hide it under a shirt. So he whipped it out and got 5.7s and a 5.9.
Jean-Luc Pickguard has so many Star Trek puns to use that I don't even know where to start. Look: he made it so. He got 5.8, 5.9, and a 5.6 which I thought was a 6.0. I would've believed it, and in fact I did for most of the evening until he set me straight.
Thunderball had serious "woo!" faces the entire time - he keeps getting better and his outfit is so swooshy. 5.7, 5.8, 5.8.
Mathromancer's beard is gone, you guys. His beard is gone. His chest-hair pi symbol is not gone, thank god. He also has some really excellent blue velvet shoes. Who says metal dudes can't be snappy dressers? He also crowd-surfed... which is easy when you are as elfin as Mathromancer is. Others have tried with less success, but even if he jumps into a bunch of tiny ladies, they've pretty much got him. AHEM, MEAN MELIN AT NYC SEMIS. Anyway, 5.8, 5.9, 5.7.
Lost Heartbreaker showered us and himself with beer and just went crazy. He was running all over the stage and not doing a Tom Petty song, and I'm just going to quote my notes verbatim here: "fuck pneumonia!" Dude has pneumonia. He gave zero shits. I have zero knowledge of what his scores were.
Tyrannicus, Lord of the End Times, who is a new competitor and apparently a new... adult, since he looks like a 17-year-old version of Jason Mewes, came out in shoulder armor and leggings that were so low that I nearly went to prison. 5.5, 5.8, 5.4.
LA stalwart Hardcore Henry had his shirt off and jiggled his man boobies at us... in a hardcore way, though. 5.9, 5.8, 5.4.
Brock McRock was this year's AV victim. There's always someone who is screwed over by technical difficulties. Like Heartbreaker, he is also battling illness, and he had to yell out his own "All aboaaaaaarrrrd!" Poor guy. He got a 5.7, 5.7, and 5.8.
I finally got to see Sonic Bitch's air coke snort in person, which makes me happy. She rocked a 5.7, 5.8, and 5.8.
LA winner Soulstice is like a human embodiment of a party. Kind of like Andrew WK but glitterier and nakeder. Seriously, his ass was pretty much 100% out of his pants. He also had an abs showdown with Cold Steel Renegade the next night at karaoke, so you kind of get the idea. There was twerking. He got 5.7, 5.6, and 5.4.
Smart Old Broad had a light-up vest and was so enthusiastic, with really precise fingerwork. 5.8, 5.9, 5.9.
King Slay is a girl? King Slay is a girl. She spewed coconut water all over us so we all stayed hydrated. Thanks, King Slay! 5.8, 5.6, 5.6.
Crystal Richter played "Hot For Teacher," and Rockupine, standing next to me, announced "Best. Fucking. Song. Ever." The judges felt that it warranted a 5.7, 5.8, and 5.8.
Sahexy was, as you might expect, bringing the sexy. She got a 5.6, 5.6, and 5.4.
Peter "Stiff" Dickens is a hero for America. As usual, he did way more than just play the guitar. He shushed everyone, plugged in, futzed with his pedals... and kicked ass. 5.9, 5.9, 6.0.
Captain Airhab had to follow that, so he climbed up a stool and onto a railing around the wall, and whacked his head on the Mona Lisa (not the original... this isn't the France National Air Guitar competition). He may still have a bruise. 5.6s across the board.
Cleoplectra, the pregnant Girl Scout, threw friendship bracelets into the crowd (and there were rumors of cookies, which I didn't see, much to my chagrin). 5.7s and 5.6s (I don't remember the exact breakdown).
Finishing it up, the Golden Ghost, aka Air Bear - whom you never get to see perform because he's usually got the bear suit on being a mascot - did Contra and had DRAWN-ON ABS. I frantically shouted "I want everyone else to start doing this, forever!" and it's true. Everyone, get a sharpie and draw abs on yourself, right now. I didn't get what his scores were because I can't deal with anything.
The halftime show involved the Fretophile and another friend who isn't allowed within shouting distance of a school (Windowless Van Dammage?), a cardboard van, and Airistotle. Then Mrs. Facemelter showed up in curlers and glasses and seduced him, and then everyone air guitared happily ever after, the end.
YOUR SECOND ROUND was basically a top 8, since there was a 3-way tie at 5th place. To wit:
5th: Vlad DM Wailer, Mathromancer, Tyrannicus
4th: Midnight Maniaxe
3rd: Smart Old Broad
2nd: Your Mother
1st: Peter "Stiff" Dickens
Mathromancer got portable once again, riding around on Windhammer's shoulders. I loved his pants and his performance and everything about him. He got two 5.9s and a 6.0 and I screamed my face off. Tyrannicus and Vlad were also both shirtless, to vastly different effect from one another, but their scores were both 5.7s and 5.8s. Maniaxe kept 100% of his clothes on and killed it for a 5.8, 5.8, and 6.0. Smart Old Broad pulled down a 5.8, 5.8, and 5.7, and then... Your Mother pumped breast milk and spewed it into the crowd - some got in my hair - and also went for a shoulder ride for a 5.8, 5.9, 5.7. I also really like it when Stiff Dickens gets into the second round because he can show that he can just straight up play. He did so, 5.8, 5.8, 5.9.
The winner, therefore, was Peter "Stiff" Dickens! Also coming to the Nationals with him will be Smart Old Broad, Your Mother, Mathromancer, and Midnight Maniaxe! That is TONIGHT! We're going to the Rainbow Room to see if we can get Lemmy to come, and then... it all goes down. You'll hear about it!
