Well, folks, that's another US air guitar season in the books. All the qualifiers, the semi-finals, the Dark Horse, and even the annual karaoke night have come and gone. And the culminating event of all of this took place on Saturday night at the House of Blues in LA: the 2013 US Air Guitar National Finals. Now that it's all said and done, a winner has been crowned (or belted) and will be competing in the Air Guitar World Championships in Oulu, Finland this coming weekend, and my voice is entirely lost. Good thing this blog is a text blog and not a video one, then, because even though I sound like a wheezing, squeaking, un-oiled machine, I can still tell you what went down.
The evening was kicked off, as usual, by Hot Lixx Hulahan and Bjorn Turoque, this time assisted by Nordic Thunder and... an inflatable shark, which they jumped over. What this portends, no one yet knows (or, at least, the people who do aren't telling). That and its portents may have contributed to the emotion level in the room. I don't know if it was just me and my immediate surroundings, but we were all ready to flip out at the drop of a hat, and we did. Oh, we did. See above re: my voice.
Hot Lixx then moved over to the judging table, where he was joined by none other than Kristen Schaal! She has actually judged before and clearly knows what she's up to. Off we went with the night!
First off, the winners from the Dark Horse went on - to refresh you, they were Smart Old Broad, Your Mother (pictured above), Mathromancer, Midnight Maniaxe, and Peter "Stiff" Dickens. Your Mother brought pictures of her kid and threw juiceboxes into the crowd. While juiceboxes do have hard corners, getting hit with one is far preferable to getting hit with breast milk, as happened at the Dark Horse. Also, those of you who are math geniuses like Mathromancer will notice that this is only 5 people; those of you who are students of air guitar will recognize that going so early is not usually a prescription for a great score. Stiff Dickens bagged a 6.0. Gauntlet: thrown.
That set the tone. Plenty of high-test competitors went on early, and most of them got scores appropriate to their level of performance. I felt that Rocky Rhoads shouldn't have gotten the one 5.6 she did (she scored 5.6, 5.7, 5.8) what with her high energy and excellent stage coverage, but I just report the news, I don't make it.
Right after her, the brothers Farnan went back to back - Lt. Facemelter and then Danny Tanner Tantrum! A little sibling rivalry never hurt anyone. It certainly didn't hurt their scores. Between the 6 scores they got combined (3 per, obviously), there were 5 5.9s and one 6.0! The 6.0 went to Facemelter. Then Mean Melin upped the ante once again and got one 5.9 and two 6.0s! By this time, I was pretty much screaming and cheering nonstop. Things did not let up from there.
Flying Finn, The Marquis, Team Boston Air Guitar's own Rockupine, and Tommy Fretless (pictured) all shredded their way into our hearts, and probably also pants. I can vouch for at least one of those guys ending up in bed with 4 other people by the end of the night!
Dry Ice burst out of a paper bag. Thunder Stroock burst out of a Thin Lizzy shirt, much to the chagrin of anyone who appreciates a good Thin Lizzy shirt, for instance me. Van Dammage burst a blood vessel by slashing his face open with a rose, and wound up looking like he'd just motorboated a crime scene.
Airistotle blew our minds by dropping the pop-punk he usually plays and going for... was that Metallica? This was shocking not because he can't do a heavy song - he clearly can - but because he just exudes happy-go-lucky fun, and no one on the street would confuse him for a big hairy metal dude. I think he just grew his first chest hair this year. Possibly during this performance! Kid's got range.
Then it was time for the halftime performances. After a return visit by Smart Old Broad and Nordic's 6:66 Slayer tribute, out came the group performance. The air guitarists taking the stage referred to themselves as "Bone Finger," and at first it was just Brock McRock, Lost Heartbreaker, Dick Diesel, Six String General, and Diry Airy (and Air Bear), but then suddenly a whole raft of Dark Horse competitors burst out onto the stage, ran up to the edge, and started shredding in unison. Fantastic! If there's anything you need to know about me, it's that I appreciate a good coordinated rock move.
All right. The second round. The absolute best of the best of a very good crop. In round two were Seth Leibowitz, Cold Steel Renegade, Peter "Stiff" Dickens, Danny Tanner Tantrum, Airistotle, Lt. Facemelter (that's right, both brothers in a second-round showdown), and Mean Melin. I know you counted 7 people - there was a 3-way tie at 5th place. Anyway. It wasn't enough just to have all these really strong competitors. We had to up the ante a little. Something heretofore unseen and unheard-of. How about... a live guitarist? And how about if that live guitarist is Brendon Smalls, creator of Metalocalypse, playing a Dethklok song?? And HOW ABOUT if he's playing a see-through guitar that lights up that will be awarded to the winner???
I mean, that would be pretty cool.
AND IT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED! While those of us in the audience lost our damn minds (I had the good fortune to be standing behind the two guys probably most likely to freak out over this specific situation, Jean-Luc Pickguard and Mathromancer, but everyone was going pretty crazy), the 7 air guitarists onstage tried their best to focus and plan their attack on the song.
Seth Liebowitz crowdsurfed over to the judges' table to kick things off! He got straight 5.9s for his trouble.
Then, Cold Steel Renegade, the man who almost got kicked out of the House of Blues (a fate which nearly befell most of us at one point or another) for having tiny pyrotechnics on the ends of his fingers, managed to somehow get only 5.9, 5.9, 5.8 ("only").
Peter "Stiff" Dickens decided to strip it all down, by which I mean he ditched his wig and his shirt and his theatrics and just played - and got a 5.5 and two 5.8s.
Danny Tanner Tantrum represented Boston Air Guitar well with a 5.6, 5.7, 5.8 - probably because he's used to playing with another guy standing on stage and watching him (although usually that other man is a cardboard cutout of Danny Tanner).
Airistotle also gave a good account of himself, nailing down two 5.9s and a 6.0.
But then it was time for what was universally understood to be the showdown. The two men with the highest scores going in, Lt. Facemelter and Mean Melin, separated by only .1, were going to take their turns. Facemelter was up first. And then... and then... THIS HAPPENED:
OH MY GOD. YOU GUYS. That is a giant cutout of his FACE... on top of HIS FACE. That was a lot to deal with on an already overloaded mental state. I'm surprised more people in the audience didn't faint. But this isn't the US Cardboard Cutout National Finals, it's the US Air Guitar National Finals, so he had to do more than just be a pretty face. He brought serious chops as well, and his airness was off the scale, obviously: straight 6s!
So Mean Melin, coming into the second round in the lead with a nearly perfect score, would have to get straight 6s as well to win - or at the least, two 6.0s and a 5.9 to tie and have an air-off. This song was pretty much right in his wheelhouse, but he missed a couple of notes (apparently) and the judges felt honor-bound to score him ever-so-slightly lower than Facemelter. He wound up taking a 5.9, 5.9, 6.0, and coming in second.
Lt. Facemelter and his giant face are your new US Air Guitar Champion!!
And then, it was all over except for Freebird. I love my air guitar family:
Mathromancer and Lost Heartbreaker sharing the air mic during Freebird
...But by "all over," I just mean for the US season! The world championships are THIS WEEKEND in Oulu, Finland - and the Dark Horse there (which is a walk-on competition, not an invitational) is tonight! And guess who's going to be in it... MEAN MELIN! Since he could just as easily have taken that title, and since Nordic did the same thing last year, he's going to compete in that, probably win it and earn himself a spot on the world stage, and try to just win the whole thing there. He's got a solid shot! I'll be watching the results of the Dark Horse like a hawk and keep you posted... and then give you the rundown of the Air Guitar World Championship taking place tomorrow night.
