Kansas City! Home of last year's US Air Guitar National Championships, and of 2013 World Champion Mean Melin, and for that matter of possibly a higher concentration of air guitarists than anywhere in this country. And every one of them is really good. You can already get an idea of the caliber of competition to expect. That said, it means that someone could kick total ass, get great scores, and still not come close to winning.
They started by selling out the competitor spots. Already a good sign. Then, they sold out the venue. So it's not just a bunch of committed weirdos performing for each other - they've got the whole town interested. And, and, this evening served as the pregame for the wedding (which took place the next day) of two local air guitar legends, CindAIRella and Iron Dragon. Mazel tov, you two crazy kids!
Not to dwell on the opener, but it made me laugh that a) the "and who's a virgin?" joke totally landed, and b) that the "air band" audience participation song was a Foo Fighters song. Note for the uninitiated: this is funny because Mean Melin is hosting, and he is pretty much Dave Grohl's friendlier twin. That's a little nugget for anyone reading this who has never seen an air guitarist before. Which is probably 0% of you.
Another note: they did the "specific roles" judging setup, where each judge was responsible for one facet of judging - so they had a technical judge, a stage presence judge, and an airness judge. This kind of drives me crazy since I can't always remember which judge does what, but it seemed to work for them - scores were reasonable (mostly... there were some I thought were way low or way high, but when do I not disagree with ANY scores?) and the judges stayed in their lane as best they could.
The performers: I could run down every single performance in order - you can watch the show in its entirety here, if you have a spare 2 and a half hours - but I'm going to spare you and just give you the highlights.
All the KC stalwarts were here, some with interesting new twists - for instance, Glory Wholesome was wearing a bra that lit up, and might have spelled words but I couldn't make them out; Iron Dragon eschewed the backpack cape and instead just rocked the pimp hat and cane to "Le Freak"; and Sonic Bitch has dropped the air coke snort in favor of just ripping her pants off. Remember tearaway pants, you guys? These were like... the rock version of tearaway pants. I remember 1998!
CorpAIRation, however, did not show up looking like he usually does. Rather than being all slick and businesslike-looking, he was scruffy and had on a prison-orange shirt... from prison. Because of his illegal takeover of the USAG website, of course. This has to be the first example in American history of a corporation actually being punished for doing something bad. But then again, I guess he wasn't punished... he got a 5.8, 5.9, and 6.0.
Stack Hammer also made a big change from last year - he changed his name! He's Rusty Pipes now, and, in what I guess was a nod to his wardrobe malfunction from last year, his whole act was a nod to showers. The regular kind, you sex pervert. He hops up onto the stage, immediately rips his shirt off, then jumps into a makeshift shower stall and flings his pants out of it. I am instantly starting to think about whether he has just decided to "embrace the peen" but no, he comes out in some shorts that are, I think, supposed to be boxers but seem quite a bit more substantial. His song was Andrew WK's "I Get Wet," and his routine somehow combined scrubbing of armpits with playing guitar. It seemed right. 5.5, 5.6, and 5.7, which I might have added .1 to each of those.
I also have a huge admiration crush on Dewey Decibel, because she has a fantastic name (being a real-life librarian) AND she completely crushed it onstage. One of the judges super lowballed her and gave her a 5.5. I can really only give that a pass if it was the technical judge - not that her technicality was poor, but sometimes it took a back seat to sweet moves - but it wasn't. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
We'll talk about more oldbies later. Let's talk about newbies for a second. There were a bunch! Most of them were already good, and the ones who were more like your typical newcomer (more enthusiasm than skill, which is also my own performance credo) will probably be amazing by next year. One newbie was TinkAIRbell, all the way from Spain, playing (of course) flamenco guitar, and fluttering about like her namesake. Going second, she didn't get very high scores, but I'm sure next year will be better. Another new performer, LattAIR Day Saint (I'm actually just assuming on the air pun... maybe he played the name straight, I don't know) had the opposite occur, and played last for GREAT scores of a 5.9 and two 6.0s. But the new performer I loved the most was Queen Melin. Air guitar is full of family. We have spouses who compete against each other, we have a mother and child squaring off in San Diego, we have siblings duking it out onstage... but now we have a competitor who is another competitor's NIECE. Well... sort of. I mean she is definitely Mean Melin's niece, but I guess he isn't really a competitor anymore. Anyway, she WHIPPED ASS and got deservedly high scores, and I cannot wait to see more from her. It runs in the family, I guess.
Back to two oldbies that I know you're waiting to hear about. Peter "Stiff" Dickens was "P.S. Dickens, Esq." this year. His act was based around snake-handling tent preachers but, despite that, wasn't especially weird. You know that he is the only person you can ever say that about. I can't help but think he's holding something in reserve for Dark Horse (which he can safely expect to be invited to).
Air Jesus. Air Jesus, though. He does not disappoint and everyone in the room knows it. But he outdid himself this year, to the point that I don't even know what he could do next year to top this. He starts off ON A CROSS onstage, a full-sized cross, all right, and he rips his hands free and starts playing... and then he picks his FEET up, too, and is somehow anchored around his waist because he just stays up there, shredding away. It's like chair guitar in that he has to stay in one space, but can get very expressive within that space. Cross guitar. If he didn't get 6 6 6 I would have thrown my computer across the room, so it's a good thing that he did because this thing is expensive.
Going into round 2 were 6 people, owing to a tie at 5th place. In ascending order, Queen Melin, Iron Dragon, CorpAIRation, CindAIRella, LattAIR Day Saint, and Air Jesus. Some favorites shut out, here! Some people who did great, too! Kansas City!!
The way they ran their second round is going to sound complicated when I write it down, but it isn't. So, first the second-rounders hear a song. The 5th place person (or people) can either choose to play that song, as per normal, or pull a new one out of the hat. If they do that, they get the name and artist of the song, but can't hear the edit - they just have to GO. Once a song has been played, it's available for anyone to choose. Each successive person gets the same choice: play an "unlocked" song, or go for the mystery.
So the first song is "Call Me Maybe," but with metal in the middle. Iron Dragon goes with it, and despite playing guitar on the violin parts, does solidly for a 5.6, 5.8, and 5.8. Queen Melin also sticks with it and also nails it (although I wish she had done something with the pause in the middle) for a 5.9, 5.8, and a 6.0!
At 4th, CorpAIRation stays with it and does two best things: he dances, in the manner of a white dad at a wedding (sorry, but it's true) at the beginning, and then flips up his shirt over his head to reveal his number written on his stomach. Everybody went nuts and he bagged straight sixes.
CindAIRella rejects Carly Rae Jepsen and goes for the hat. She pulls out "My Sharona," and just NAILS a kick. I feel that the degree of difficulty here was a bit higher than for the "Call Me Maybe"-ers since she hadn't heard the edit; on the other hand, once you hear it's going to be "My Sharona," it's not a mystery what it's going to sound like. Anyway, she pulls in a 5.8, two 6.0s, and an offer of eternal friendship.
LattAIR Day Saint also went to the hat. He pulled out "Gay Bar," and I don't know if this was Thundergland's exact edit from his awesome performance at 2010 Nationals but it was close, and the Mormon crushed it. I was screaming. Not really, I was at work. But if I was there, I would have been screaming. It also gave me a thought. What if I was in a situation where I made a second round and the song given to me was this song, one I've watched a ton of times. Would I be able to keep from doing the same moves? Would it be a problem, or a plus, if I did do the same moves? Would it come off as an homage, as an amazing feat of memorization, or would it be unoriginal and derivative? I don't know, but at least I don't have to worry about it ever happening to me. ANYWAY, straight sixes!
And finally, The Jeezster, Air Jesus! His second round performance was the only thing left out of the video and it KILLS ME but know this: his triple 6 from round 1 was going to be hard to beat, unless he completely failed in the second round, which he never does. And he didn't this time. So break out the "Kerrs," AIR JESUS IS YOUR KANSAS CITY VICTOR! Three-peat for the guy in the Trinity!
In second place, LattAIR Day Saint, and then a tie of Corp and CindAIRella - all 4 of them will be heading to Chicago in July. Chicago won't even know what hit it.
photo of Queen Melin by Trevan McGee