Portland is the home of the US Air Guitar Nationals this year, but first they have to have a qualifier. That went down on May 29th. Kara Picante hosted the event, and rocked the audience's world with an intro featuring herself and her "Hell Hussies" - bellydancing minions who, as in air guitar, told a whole story with just their bodies.
And then, the competition. Since there were 10 people total, I can write about each one and not be too wordy. Yay! If you prefer, of course, you can also watch the entire thing here.
The judges were pretty much a textbook example of the "bad scores first, best scores last" trope. The first contestant was new and went by NUX, which... that's a reference to the new Mad Max movie, right? I haven't seen it (I KNOW, get off my case) but I'm aware of a bunch of things about it, and it was clear that this is what he was channeling. He played something by The Sword and it read a little Facemeltery to me - like that's whose videos he watched most of when practicing - and you could do a lot worse picking someone to emulate. The judges lowballed him with a 4.9, 5.2, and 4.8. Sure, he is new and that wasn't the be-all and end-all of air guitar, but it was better than 4-scores.
Then, back to back, Um and Whalin Big Air, and I feel like the judges got officially warmed up somewhere between the two. Um's well-executed medley song (apparently it's a real song and not something she edited together) only garnered her a 5.6, 5.5, and 5.7, but Whalin Big Air pulled down very solid 5.8s and a 5.7. He did also go out into the crowd, over to the judges' table, then swigged a beer when he got back on stage. Since half the time he was offstage, I actually didn't see his entire routine, but what I did see was really good.
Grinnin' BAIRett, the man bringing air guitar to Idaho (really - he's hosting their qualifier), brought himself to Portland and mashed up Miley and metal. When you're a big tough-looking dude, this is a good idea. Two 5.7s and a 5.6.
They had one walk-on; his name was Reuben but I guess he hadn't been briefed on not having anyone else onstage while he performed. He decided that groupies were necessary for his performance, and one of the women he brought onstage was Sahexy. Her face more or less said it all. A mixture of "what" and "this is weird, I am a prop" and "you just shot yourself in the foot, my man." He got disqualified, because them's the rules.
Next up was Erik Ittar, the man with the literal name. It was shades of Air Jesus up in there as he came in with a huge marionette rig attached to his back - including strings to his arms and legs, of course. He played... wait for it... "Master of Puppets." To me, the greatest triumph of his performance was that he didn't get all tangled up with himself and fall down (or strangle himself). He pulled in two 5.8s and a 5.6.
Arora Nasty, back from "retirement," kept it all pretty on point - although she did end on a fade-out and you know how I feel about those. One of the judges thought the fade-out was the bee's knees, though. She got 5.4s and a 5.6.
Next, a fellow who went by "Mr. Fletcher" (apparently named for his 10th grade math teacher), who was channeling Dreamcatcher in his poncho, although it looks like the cigarette hanging out of Mr. Fletcher's mouth was, you know, the tobacco kind. He played "My Name is Jonah" and he had a lot of energy and good kicks, and you know, I think I've found the Judge I Disagree With All the Time in this bunch, because the same guy who loved a fade-out said he looked like "if Hank III was one of the Trailer Park Boys." That is inaccurate, sir. He looked like a trashier Dreamcatcher, if that's possible. Aaaaanyway, 5.5, 5.4, and 5.6.
Sahexy, whom you may recall is Ms. Nasty's sister, now returned to the stage (after her weird groupie run), and you guys, she just keeps kicking more ass every year. Her whole thing, from her costuming to her song to her moves, are bringing in more Badass Rock Broad every time, and she's going to be a major contender. She really paid attention, in this routine, to footwork - not everyone does, and it's nice to see. Not everything is perfect - some technical stuff could probably be improved - but she's only getting better and I imagine Portland's air guitarists have to take a deep breath before competing against her. The judges agreed - near-perfect scores for a near-perfect performance. a 5.8 and two 5.9s!
Finally, the man who is everywhere, The Marquis. Everyone agrees that he is everywhere. What we also need to come to terms with is the fact that the man is LIMBER. This is a dude who stretches. So he takes the stage in his probably-full-of-lead white makeup, and his puffy shirt and his leggings (no wig or jacket today), and starts out with some delicate plucking, as is his wont. Things get wilder from there and he nails a big kick and a HUGE jump, and then my real favorite thing - he ends it clearly super pleased with his performance. I love seeing people when they know they've just nailed it (in air guitar, sports, or anything). The judges concurred, for a 5.9 and two 6.0s!
And we're on to the second round! Your second-rounders, from 5th to first: Um, Erik Ittar, Whalin Big Air, Sahexy, and The Marquis. The method was just like Kansas City, where competitors could play an "unlocked" song or choose at random from the "Golden Tube of Possibilities." And, just like KC, picking from the tube meant that they would be told the song, but would not hear the edit first. And what was the first option? Metal "Call Me Maybe" again! Is it 2012 again, you guys? Is that the song of the season again?
Um decides not to mess with old Carly Rae and goes for the tube. She pulls out Metallica's "Four Horsemen." Her performance was good for a 5.8 and two 5.7s, and then Erik Ittar decided to follow in her footsteps (meaning he had already heard the edit) and do the same song. He really played up the "horsemen" part of the song; turning it into a rodeo before breaking out into super choppy moves (and I mean that as a stylistic choice, not that he was off-time). This garnered him higher scores - 5.7, 5.8, and a 5.9.
Whalin goes with "Call Me Maybe." He CRUSHES IT. Oh man, his timing was perfect, and he regaled the crowd with a lot of saucy moves and bum wiggles - and bear in mind, this is the man who crushed beers on his butt last year at Nationals, so the crowd went understandably wild. He bagged two 5.9s and a 5.85 - come on, just commit - but also bagged a judge's phone number, so that's one kind of victory.
Sahexy's turn comes up and she takes her chances on the tube. She pulls out "Kiss" (the Prince song, not the band), and at first I think she may have been playing along more with the rhythm of the lyrics than the guitar, but once the funky stuff starts in, she is on top of it and does perfectly. This song was a pretty great pick for her, honestly. Judges feel similarly and give her two 5.8s and a 5.9.
The Marquis ends the evening with another trip to the Golden Tube, and pulls out "Beating Around the Bush." I don't know if it was Sonic Bitch's same edit from last year - I loved that performance, by the way - I don't think it was exactly the same, but if it wasn't, it was close. Anyway, he comes out in a cloak and when he doffs it, he's got the full costume on - wig, vest, jacket, and the whole thing. He doesn't stay in it long. The wig gets flung off almost immediately, and he starts wriggling out of the jacket while playing, and finishes it off by ripping the vest off. The judges are pretty into this, of course, and give him a 6.0, 5.9, and a 5.95 (same judge. Again, commit).
When the dust settles, the winner is The Marquis! He'll be representing Portland in San Francisco at the Western Conference Finals (I got it right, you guys!). Whalin Big Air took second, but as he won't be able to make it to semis, he abdicated his spot, so Sahexy moved up and will be moving on!
How much does Portland hope one of their own places at semis? SO MUCH. After all, they'll be coming back to Portland for Nationals, and I for one can't wait.
photos by Lenny Gotter of Eastside Distilling