Can I just begin by saying how much I love everyone for livestreaming their qualifier whenever possible? It enables me to write a real recap and not just piece it together from scraps on the internet... and it lets everyone see the glory. Today, I'm going to go back in time a minute to the Des Moines US Air Guitar Qualifier, which I skipped over in favor of talking about Boston while it was still fresh. Note: I realize I have skipped Nashville entirely. They were unable to livestream since it was both an air guitar competition and a burlesque show, so the burlesque part precluded livestreaming. I know who won - Noche! - but that's it. But Des Moines has video of the entire show. To save you a couple of hours, here's the recap!
Your host, Flying Finn, kicked things off, joined by Mean Melin for the intro. Melin then headed off to the judges' table, joining a couple of local celebrities to hand down the verdicts for the evening.
Now, Des Moines is peculiar in that it's close enough to Kansas City that anyone who didn't win their way to semifinals there can try their hand(s) again. And as we know, Kansas City's qualifier was packed with talent and they couldn't all win. So, KC 2.0 took place in Des Moines. And so did some dude's bachelor party. Sir, well played. I recommend that everyone take their bachelor or bachelorette parties to an air guitar competition whenever possible.
Kicked off with "Lt. Facefarter" - in a Facemelter t-shirt and Zubaz, obviously - playing a medley of songs with fart noises in them. I don't know if you can say he cleared the air, exactly...
One of his scores was a #2. Another was a 4.4 because that looks like buttcheeks if you write it right, and the other appeared to be a serious(?) score of 4.5. If it wasn't instantly obvious, this was a "get-first-place-out-of-the-way" situation.
The first "real" competitor was the Kansas City Creepshow, Bob. If he didn't have creepy clown makeup on, I would want to steal half his thrift-store wardrobe. He actually didn't aim for "terrifying" this time out, instead choosing to focus on straight-up air guitaring. However, he got low scores - a 5.4, 5.1, and 5.3 - because the judges felt that he didn't transcend the stereotype of "guy air guitaring in his bedroom." This is why airness is a factor in judging! Better luck next time, Bob.
Glory Wholesome stepped up next. I got a better view of her party robot (partybot!) antics this time than in Kansas City; she had a mask that she removed partway through, as well as the flashing lights on her shirt. At the point where she removed her mask, she kind of "wound down," and got the best heckle. I am usually not pro-heckling, but some guy yelled "plug her back in!" and I cracked up. Anyway, once she had powered back up again, the guitar went behind the back, under the leg, and all over the place, and then she high-kicked a bell at the end. Score-wise, it was middling - 5.3, 5.6, 5.5 - with the highest coming from Melin who, unsurprisingly, enjoyed the multi-act structure of her routine. The man is consistent. He loves a 3-act play of air guitar. If he's ever judging you, be sure to keep that in mind.
Stack Attack is having a good year this year, I think, with a pretty solid routine and some pretty nice precision moves. I especially like that she timed taking off her jacket to a point where there wasn't any guitar. So many people do some important-but-non-guitary thing while it's still playing, and make themselves look bad. She bagged straight 5.6s!
Like in Kansas City, Dapper D rolled up all swanky-looking, and then disrobed to the point of complete trashitude. This was good but aggravated all of the judges by taking too long. But the air blow, the high level of accuracy, and the leap out into the crowd that he did obviously made up for it, because he got two 5.8s and a 5.7 and if that's the "adjusted for long intro" score, he would have gotten truly fantastic scores otherwise.
New favorite from Kansas City, Queen Melin (who is, of course, the niece of two air guitarists, since Mean Melin and CindAIRella are siblings and she's the child of another sibling) looked to improve on her standings from the Kansas City show, but I'm not sure if she did; while her acrobatics were on point, including a one-armed cartwheel, her air guitar seemed to be a little less so than it was in KC. That said, she got a 5.6 from one judge, and I feel that was a lowball. The other two (yes, including her uncle) gave her 5.7s which were more in the right region.
Iron Dragon brought his "Le Freak" routine to Des Moines to defend his title. I like the innovative use of a funky disco tune, and it gave him the opportunity to do some sweet dance moves - although he had a little slip of the timing at the beginning - but that spin at the end was really good. One of the judges said they expected more freaking out for Le Freak, which I agree with, but they obviously didn't feel that it impeded his performance at all since they gave him two 5.8s and a 5.9!
Harvey Wahlbanger, as a smooth guy, sent drinks to the judges (smart) and threw swag into the audience (swag swag swag swag swag). His song started off as Taylor Swift, and while I didn't really expect it to stay Tay Tay the whole way way, I was kind of hoping it would switch into a rock version of the song... but it didn't. It switched into a whole other song that was way more rock. Wahlbanger ended his routine doing sensual moves at the audience, but one thing I would counsel him is that you don't END on the sexy moves. Those are for the middle. Seduce the crowd, then end with a bang. GET IT? BANG. Anyway, the judges were very into it, or the free booze, and gave him a 5.8 and two 5.9s!
So, as you may recall from her Kansas City performance, Sonic Bitch's air coke snort is out this year. But Finn made a big point out of talking about it in his intro for her, so when she took the stage she railed the air coke anyway, before starting. I think that powered her performance, because the energy was high and she has this great "aw yeah, that guy knows what I'm talking about" grin while playing. Some people do "slug face," but this is even better. Anyway, she got one lowball of a 5.7, a 5.9, and the first 6.0 of the night!
The big headline of the night was that this marked the return of Lost Heartbreaker. The video that Wahlbanger took of the performances sadly didn't capture all of his - but judging by crowd reaction, he was kicking ass, and this should surprise no one: kid's a pro. He got a 5.8 and two 5.9s, but it weirded me out when Melin, in his capacity as judge, started talking about cocks (in that LHB had more airness in his than most people do in their entire bodies, which I'm not sure how he knows that unless the part of the performance I couldn't see involved some indecent exposure). This wasn't so much for a reason of creepness as it was of just not expecting that line of dialogue from that particular human. Have I misconstrued who talks about dicks and who doesn't? Maybe!
Finally, closing out the first round, Thunderball. He threw picks to the crowd and then busted
into his routine with some really top-level precision and all the stage presence in the world. My god but that finale spin-jump-to-knee-drop is just killer. I was pumping my fists just watching it on the internet. The only thing that didn't work perfectly was his beer spit - it wasn't very dark in this bar, so that went off a lot better in the dark bar in Kansas City, where the stage was lit and you could actually SEE the spew. He got great scores and rightly so - a 5.8, a 6.0, and then a 5.9 from Melin since he has strict rules about how many 6.0s he can give out in the first round (one, because there's only one BEST, presumably). We are learning a lot about people's judging proclivities tonight.
Round 2 brought 7 competitors due to a 3-way tie at second place! The order, starting at 5th: Queen Melin, Dapper D, Iron Dragon, Lost Heartbreaker, Sonic Bitch, Harvey Wahlbanger, and Thunderball.
Queen Melin went first and had to navigate some intricate plucking before switching into the rock mode in which she flourishes. I wanted to see some more right-hand movement at least in the fancy part, but she nailed a couple of the pauses in the second part of the song and it was pretty decent for having only heard it once. She got a 5.5, 5.7, and 5.6.
Dapper D evidently spent halftime engaged in a wardrobe change, having a whole new outfit on - what do you expect, his name says "Dapper" right in it! Anyway, he hit this sweet kick right when the rock part started, and his shoe flew off and, apparently, lodged in the rafters of the bar. No word on whether he got it back. Unfazed, he kept on going and straight-up nailed every move (except for getting surprised by the song ending when it did). Two judges were with me on this, giving him 5.8s, and the other is maybe part of the US Shoe Lobby because he got a totally inexplicable 5.5.
Iron Dragon pulled in two 5.6s and a 5.8 and was the best yet on the classical part. I also appreciated how he timed his jacket removal perfectly.
I have Lost Heartbreaker this year for the Bettie B. Goode Award - he climbed up on the DJ booth, about 8 feet up, and leapt off, possibly breaking his heel in the process. Obviously, that kind of bravery or foolhardiness needs to be rewarded, so he got a 5.7, 5.9, and 5.8.
Key highlights of Sonic Bitch's second round are that she nailed some sweet moves, did a kick where her shoe did not fly off, and had feathers on her shoulders. Totally solid second-round performance. Two 5.8s and a 5.9.
Wahlbanger does a pretty good jump off the stage - his jump back on is a little less successful but it's still fine, because he evidently went and got a beer while off the stage and he spits it really gloriously at a good point in the song. He got some lower scores; while he did get a 5.8, he also got a 5.7 and a 5.6, but you know what, second rounds are tough.
Then, Thunderball. I don't feel like I'm biased here since pretty much everyone is my friend, but this was pretty much exactly what I wanted to see from this song. He started out the classical part perched on an air stool (I expected someone to sit down on the edge of the stage but this is maybe better), whips his hair out of its ponytail when the rock kicks in, does a sweet jump, does another later, basically just runs all over the stage hitting every note just right. High energy, leaves it all on the stage, and - importantly - "sticks the landing" with regard to the song's ending. He gets a 5.9 and two extremely well-deserved 6.0s.
The results - a dethroned Des Moines champ (Iron Dragon came in 5th), and qualifying through to the semifinals, Lost Heartbreaker in third, Sonic Bitch in second, and your new Des Moines champ, Thunderball!
photos of Lost Heartbreaker and Thunderball by Glory Wholesome (Whitney Young)