The DC qualifier - probably the only thing both sides of the aisle can agree on nowadays - took place like 2 weeks ago and I never said anything about it! I am hanging my head in hardcore shame! Please accept my apologies as I regale you with tales of beer, very small fires, and wrestling. And, you know, air guitar.
Put together by the current second-best air guitarist in the world, Doug "The Thunder" Stroock, it was a boozy affair, being sponsored by 2 different breweries, and brought out an array of locally and nationally renowned air guitarists. As most things sponsored by breweries would. One slight disappointment - to me, and probably to many of you - is that one famed DC-area air guitarist who was there was not competing, as he has now retired and is sitting at the judges' table. That would be daredevil and heartthrob Tommy Fretless. Alas. Maybe he'll surprise us and come back at the Southeast semifinals.
Onto who DID compete! Former west-coaster Dick Diesel brought his wrestling fury to his new town's qualifier, joining such DC mainstays as Rear Admiral Kickass, Shreddy Boop, and Tobias Slaypool (he of the split KOOL pants at last year's Boston qualifier). There was a competitor who looked suspiciously like G Tso Money, but surely that could not be, as he had already qualified by coming in second at the Long Island qualifier. Indeed - this was... perhaps his identical cousin, He No Funny.
The most important thing you have to know about this event was that the second round (which was populated by Dick Diesel, Fah King Rocker, Shreddy Boop, Rear Admiral Kickass, and Tobias Slaypool) boasted a beer bonus. This meant that you got 2 beers, and if you were able to incorporate those into your routine, you got a boost to your score. Everyone used them a little differently, although for my money the best choices here were Shreddy Boop, who stuck the beer into her shirt and then stood on her head (well, shoulders) so that the beer fell into her mouth, and Dick Diesel had his friend feed him beer while he played. The reason I liked these approaches the best is that it left both of their hands free to play air guitar! The judges felt me on Diesel, giving him straight sixes, but not so much on Shreddy Boop - travesty!
That said, there was one more glorious second round performance. Tobias Slaypool momentarily had zero hands free to play guitar, as he was swigging a beer with one hand and LIGHTING HIS CHEST HAIR ON FIRE with the other. That sounds amazing from lo these many miles away, but it probably smelled terrible in person.
Please also note the nevernude shorts.
photo credit: Stefanie Haeffele-Bach
When the smoke had cleared, DC was left with a top 3 to advance on to the Mid-Atlantic Semifinal, which will also be in DC, on July 26. They were, in third place, Shreddy Boop; in second, Fah King Rocker; and in first place in both scores and flexing, Dick Diesel!