It was a night of new beginnings. It was a night of a lot of things, to be fair, but there were new names, new performers, and new judges, and everyone came away happy and excited for next year. And, as an indication of a good show, there was plenty of rehashing how people did later on - should this competitor have gotten this score, how amazing was that move - so the crowd was engaged and thinking about the performances. I love that!
Let's break it down. Like last year, this year's Boston Qualifier featured 9 air guitarists, most of whom were returning rockers; like last year, it was held at TT the Bear's as a Saturday afternoon matinee show. Unlike last year, 3 of the returning air guitarists had new names and characters, either for the evening or forever. We also had an air-guitarist-free judging panel, which is a first for Boston! We did have a returning judge in Allix Mortis, and she was joined by new judges Jake McDowell and Mike D'Angelo, both of whom got right into the swing of things and did a great job.
Captain Airhab hosted the show as usual, and opened with a 4-and-a-half-minute-long intro that left him winded and panting into the microphone. Please, qualifier hosts: talk to your doctor to make sure your heart is healthy enough for lengthy intro routines.
The first competitor was a mysterious masked man who was introduced by Airhab as "Secret Brother, in Spanish," and that's how he was scored and referred to by the judges. I think his actual name was Secreto Hombre or something like that, but it doesn't matter, the point is that he came out in a lucha libre mask, accompanied by another similarly-attired gentleman, whom he proceeded to beat unconscious before starting his routine. Scoring kicked off with a 5.5, 5.3, and 5.7.
Next up, a competitor who was absent from the stage last year, and returned this year with a new name: Airzilla! He stomped all over the stage like it was Tokyo, got a little teeth guitar action in there, and pulled down a 5.3, 5.6, and a very respectable 5.8. With a name like that, I expect he is Thunderball's new favorite air guitarist.
This year also marked the return of Big Red. Last time we saw him onstage, he had his friends feed him a burrito while he played (therefore leaving both hands free). This year, he did not have a burrito. This year, he had a giant inflatable penis bobbing away in front of him. Everyone knows rock and roll doesn't come from the heart - it comes from the crotch. So naturally there is a great deal of pelvic thrusting and tight spandex, and Big Red has really just taken the general dick-focus to its logical next level. Don't worry - he didn't use it as a prop and play it! No DQs for him. Nope - a 5.4, 5.5, and 5.6.
Our newest Boston air guitarist hit the stage next. You may know him as an Acoustic Comedy Dude as part of The Daley Grimes, or perhaps you know him as a purveyor of bagels via his bagel pop-up, Better Bagels - but we now know him as DJ Jizzy Jeff. His song started out acoustic, and he was windmilling away like a champ, and then things really heated up with his song and he got to rock out more fully. 5.7 and a pair of 5.6s - a pretty solid score for a first-timer! He says he'll be back next year for more, and I hope he will. And hopefully next year, he won't do a fade-out.
Another new name: the former Rockupine took the stage as The Airtiste, eschewing his traditional glitter and sequins for the lank hair and open shirt of the type of artist guy who is probably completely insufferable at parties. Obviously, a guy like that is above your typical "rock and roll," and only listens to really smooth makeout music for dads. BUT he knocked over a spectator's beer... which he later made up for with a big hug. 5.8, 5.85 (again with the second decimal place? Portland, and now Boston?), 5.7.
My turn! I have a new name this year too - AIR2D2 - and my Star Wars pants and I picked up two 5.7s and a 5.75 (more second decimal place scores! What's happening to us all?).
Next up, and NOT changing his name, sort of, Operation Rockapussy. Well, all right, I guess he isn't the ghost or the dark ghost or the dead ghost of himself, he's Original Recipe Op Rock, so does that count as changing his name? As such, he completely embraced his glittery nature, going so far as to have an accomplice hold up a tray full of lines of glitter, which he proceeded to air snort. Or really snort? Unclear. Anyway, he blew everyone away and captured the first 6.0 of the night, accompanied by a pair of 5.9s.
Filthy Fingers' turn! I always enjoy his performances, despite the fact that in terms of scores, he's basically my nemesis. This time out, playing to an Uptown Funk cover that was "Uptown Punk," he took it over to the judges' table - always a smart move - and humped it. Vigorously. He isn't called Wholesome Family-Friendly Fingers, you guys. I said he was my scores nemesis, though, and I'm not kidding: he got a 5.7, 5.7, and 5.8. I was trailing him by 0.05, you guys! What the crap!
Last performer of round one: another new identity. The former Danny Tanner Tantrum/DTT is now Jim Hatfield. Think about it... get it? So since he's kind of a low-rent (lower-rent?) James Hetfield, complete with ratty blond wig, he was doing a Peter-Stiff-Dickens-esque crappy-Metallica routine. It was pretty brilliant, and I got all excited like I do when people pull this kind of routine off successfully. And by "successfully," I mean the routine had lots of "mistakes" in it, and I also mean that the judges were kind of on board. They gave him two 5.7s and a 5.9. I feel like those 5.7s were kind of lowballs because they conflated the "crappy" routine with his actual performance: he did still nail every single note, even though they were the wrong notes. And, I mean, I got two 5.7s. He shouldn't be getting the same scores as me. OOH! Wanna watch his first round? HERE IT IS!
Halftime! Newly minted air guitarist DJ Jizzy Jeff took the stage as his regular persona, aka 50% of The Daley Grimes, and they sang us some songs about hot tubs and boobs and zombies and other fun stuff like that. Meanwhile, Judge Wrangler, Scorekeeper, and Jane-of-All-Trades Lauren did math and figured out who was in round 2. The answer? From lowest to highest score, me, Filthy Fingers, Jim Hatfield, The Airtiste, and Operation Rockapussy.
The second round song was "I Believe in a Thing Called Love," which has been in my head nonstop since then. This is especially frustrating because it reminds me of the fact that I didn't make the most of it AT ALL. Not everyone is good at second rounds, and by that I mean me. I am no good at second rounds.
Everyone else did better, though! Filthy Fingers took a pass through the crowd and then laid down on the judges' table; Jim Hatfield totally maintained character despite the very different song - hopping around the stage and eventually pulling his shirt over his face for straight 5.9s. And you can watch THAT here, too! Yeah!
The Airtiste pulled out the classic Rockupine precision moves. He was lowballed (I thought) with two 5.7s and a 5.8. I would have liked to have seen both of those one higher.
Op Rock crushed the song, but more to the point, he engineered a confetti explosion to end with. The judges went nuts - and knew they were giving out their last scores of the night - and bestowed upon him a glorious 5.8, 5.9, 6.0!
The end order was not exactly a mystery, but while the specifics were being mathed out, Airhab regaled the crowd with a dramatic reading from the Bill & Ted novel. Which he has. Of course.
Ultimately, your Boston victor was Operation Rockapussy, and he'll be heading to NYC for the Northeast Conference Finals or whatever they're called, on July 25th. In second, Jim Hatfield. And tied for third, The Airtiste and Filthy Fingers! I am so proud that my nemesis has qualified through to semis!