I know this post is super late. There's been a LOT going on, you guys. But let's start at the beginning: Thursday night in Kansas City, the US Air Guitar Dark Horse competition went down, with the largest number of competitors in history - 31! We took over Missie B's, Kansas City's premier gay club, and I do say "we"... I got a last-minute invitation while sitting in a barbecue restaurant earlier that day. So that was a little nuts. In fact the entire evening was a little nuts. Nuts were perhaps the only foodstuff that didn't end up all over the stage. I'm getting ahead of myself.
There were, like I said, a zillion air guitarists competing, and there was a strict time limit we had to adhere to, so we rocketed through everyone with no judges' commentary, and my notes on everyone are limited. Let's go!
Private Melter: Next year, I hope she competes for real and doesn't only stick to parodying her husband. She is honest-to-god good. But she just got 5.0s and a 5.1.
Air Jesus: Kicking off the non-parody competitors, he set a high bar and also played the air guitar with his crotch, which I'm not entirely sure is What Jesus Would Do. 5.7, 5.8, 5.6.
Windhammer: Is this just the official year of ripping off Windhammer on scores? Because he was robbed once again with 5.6, 5.6, 5.7.
Peter Stiff Dickens: Remember his Kansas City qualifier performance and how it was kind of average and not Peter-Stiff-Dickensy? Looks like he was holding this in reserve, because this time he went as a Guitar Center employee, doodling around on a guitar... just amazing. 5.8, 5.9, and a drawing of a weiner, which apparently stood for a 6.0.
Kara Picante: The tongue is an acceptable method of playing the air guitar. 5.6, 5.6, 5.7.
Rockupine: He dressed up as Operation Rockapussy and played his song, which was amazing! 5.6, 5.6, 5.7, which I would call highway robbery. Maybe I'm biased because TEAM BOSTON, but I don't think I'm alone in believing he totally crushed it.
Sweetness: He opened with one really long note. Turns out you can do a lot with one note! 5.1, 5.3, 5.3.
6 String General
6 String General: He opened with some Peter Stiff Dickens-esque action! I am loving seeing that happen - I think more people are experimenting with doing more than just playing a song this season. 5.4, 5.5, 5.6.
Iron Dragon: He played a Babymetal song! He has a pop-up cape! It's all very exciting! 5.6, 5.6, 5.7.
Silverhammer: He is just terrifying onstage. Like, eat your eyeballs out of your head scary. He's ripped and covered in blood and plays really hard. Santa Cruz! 5.7, 5.7, 5.8.
Gary: I had no idea Gary was coming to Dark Horse and I am SO THRILLED she did. This time, she took off her shirt to show her majestically-furred chest. I don't know if the judges understand how awesome she is yet, because she got 5.4, 5.2, 5.6.
MortimAIR Snerd: He's got the tormented geek routine down. He came out and immediately got his beer yanked out of his hand by the tall, menacing Silverhammer. But I guess that was the last straw, since Snerd then ripped his shirt off and started whaling away. 5.5, 5.6, 5.7.
The Marquis: He comes out in full 1700s regalia as usual but takes off the wig and jacket, and scrubs off the makeup, before even getting started. He wasn't plucking delicately away at a Baroque instrument, this time, either, but straight rocking out. 5.7, 5.7, 5.9.
Dick Diesel: Diesel broke his hand punching the floor while performing at the DC Semifinals. He had a splint on and did not care one bit, kept rocking, used the splint to cover his eyes... and got double nickels for his trouble - straight 5.5s.
Soulstice: He had a cape on and very little else. He played Timber - I think it was the regular version; it definitely wasn't MARTEEKA's metal version from the NYC Semis. We live in a world where two air guitarists play that song in one season. He got 5.7, 5.7, 5.8.
Captain Airhab: Having introduced the idea of bringing a jar of cheeseballs to a show with his "there band," he has now brought it to air guitar. The cheeseballs were a hit, and he also introduced the cheeseball whiskey shot. He took one, played Betty Blowtorch's "Rock'n'Roll 69," then spat the cheeseball shards over everyone. 5.4, 5.4, 5.5.
Freddy Fingers: The Dark Horse doesn't have an underwear bonus. There's no provided bag of undies to throw. Somehow, he got like 4 or 5 pairs of underwear thrown at him before he even got started anyway. 5.3, 5.4, 5.5.
Magic Cyclops: I understand this was considered one of his best performances! I barely saw any of it because I was coming onstage soon. So I don't know what his score was.
Canadian Bacon: That would be me. I had found out I was competing about 2 hours earlier and hadn't so much as listened to my edit since May. So I feel like the 5.4, 5.4, 5.1 I got was probably a really great score, considering.
Operation Rockapussy: He did Rockupine's routine, in costume as him. He was incredible as well. 5.7, 5.7, 5.8.
Midnight Maniaxe: He was Dark-Horsing it because he qualified to Semis in Chicago, but couldn't make that event. He is a delight to behold. 5.7, 5.8, and a really weird 5.5.
Noche: She looked like an incredible mistress of darkness and totally nailed her song. 5.6, 5.6, 5.8.
Slam Cabbage: This was Van Dammage, throwing cabbage around, and playing a rock version of the Trololo song, which exists, and looking EXACTLY LIKE the Trololo guy. I was crying with laughter. Straight 5.8s.
Sahexy: She did a knee slide and a stage dive! I always hesitate to say someone has improved, because first of all who am I to say, and also it sounds like they didn't used to be very good, but Sahexy was way more about the sweet rock moves this year than last and I count that as an improvement (in that it gives me more of what I enjoy most about air guitar). 5.5, 5.6, 5.7.
CindAIRella
CindAIRella: She played I Wanna Rock and everyone went NUTS. Screaming along, screaming in general... just amazing. 5.8, 5.8, 5.0.
Sonic Bitch: Brought back the return of the air coke snort. Such a good move. Straight 5.8s.
G Tso Money: Also one of his best! 5.7, 5.7, 5.8.
Cold Steel Renegade: Not enough men swing their hips like him. He also stage-dove. Straight 5.7s.
There wasn't really a half time per se, but Lt. Facemelter did a parody performance of Mean Melin, as "Mean Melvis." I kind of love how much parody is a part of this sport. It's kind of inside-jokey, sure, but it rewards anyone who has been watching for a while, not just air guitar family members.
It was also Nordic Thunder's birthday! A cake appeared, which immediately got smashed and smeared all over the floor. Foodstuff-wise, we were now at slippery cake, cheeseballs (obviously people had started throwing them around), cabbage, apparently hot dogs (I didn't see these appear, but they had to get there somehow), and then the usual slurry of beer and glitter. The fact that no one slipped and fell and cracked a tailbone is an actual miracle.
Then, round 2. Considering we were strapped for time in the first place, we sure had a lot of second-rounders. Due to ties, the top 5 were a top 6, and in no particular order, since I couldn't keep up with the announcement, they were The Marquis, both Sonic Bitch and Thunderball, CindAIRella, Slam Cabbage, and Peter Stiff Dickens. But wait! It was Nordic's birthday, after all, and the past world champ should be accorded a birthday wish, should he not? Indeed he was. He used his powers for good, and let all the people tied at 6th into round 2 as well! That included Silverhammer, Soulstice, Operation Rockapussy, G Tso Money, and Air Jesus. And the song was... Electric Butt, by the Wedding Crashers, also known as the round 2 song from the World Championships last year! I assume they were inspired by Soulstice, whose own electric butt was waving around in a thong all night.
In the second round, we had Silverhammer fishing underwear out of his pants and throwing them into the crowd (specifically right into my face), Operation Rockapussy with Rockupine's patented blindfold move, Thunderball stealing Sonic Bitch's pants, Sonic Bitch stealing Airhab's hat, G Tso trying to one-up the air coke snort by shooting up some AIR-oin, Slam Cabbage crowdsurfing, and Peter Stiff Dickens smashing beers together, among other things.
End result: advancing on to the Finals were Thunderball, The Marquis, Slam Cabbage, and tied for first, CindAIRella and Peter Stiff Dickens!
And, believe it or not... we only went over time by 10 minutes.