Boston Air Guitar Blog

The dream came true, everybody. Kansas City hosted the 2014 US Air Guitar National Finals and the city went crazy for air guitar. And so did I, all over again. This is truly in large part because of the huge, supportive, involved air guitar community in the area, and specifically defending World Champion Mean Melin, who apparently knows everybody in town and can make things happen. But everyone really jumped in and did all they could, from arranging events to housing out-of-towners to setting up a livestream of the finals (which you can watch here).

But let's talk about the big show itself. 22 air guitarists from around the country competed - the top 3 winners of each of 5 semi-finals plus one extra since Chicago sent 4 people to the finals, another 5 from the Dark Horse, and the defending national champion, Lt. Facemelter. They even had a live band, Me Like Bees, open the show, because why not give the people a little more rock? I can't give you a definitive opinion on the band because I was backstage in a dressing room full of air guitarists and their various aromas (seriously, that room was Stink City USA) the whole time, but what I heard sounded good!

When the band wrapped up, the crowd was hushed by the appearance of a video screen. On this screen appeared possibly the best video to have ever been filmed by the hand of man. Specifically, that would be the Hot Lixx Hulahan video created by AWSM. Watch in awe. From there, into the regular intro, which featured plenty of people not competing this evening who just happened to have excellent intro clips. And then the regular air band scenario played out, except that Kansas City is really enthusiastic and supplied 3 air bassists, one of whom was Stack Hammer (pants status: on), and another of whom just decided to go for a little stroll in the middle of the song! He walked offstage... then wandered back on in a few moments. I don't know, you guys. Let's just talk about rock and roll.

The dark horses went first. Thunderball took the number one slot and ditched his own song and routine for Sonic Bitch's, which means she basically got into the finals after all too, which is right and correct. Most people did their own same routine, although the Marquis didn't do the makeup-cleaning, jacket-doffing thing like he did at Dark Horse. Indeed, coming in as a dark horse is rough - you take the first 5 spots, so the judges aren't all loosey-goosey and generous yet, plus you're up against people who won qualifiers and semifinals and things like that, which is no walk in the park. I think the early score situation was trouble for CindAIRella, who should really have scored higher. She wasn't completely snubbed, but she got really average scores and I wouldn't describe it as an average performance. Slam Cabbage also got a really uncalled-for 5.4 as one of his scores.

And once the Dark Horses had all performed, it's like a switch flipped, and the good scores started coming out - beginning with Tyranicus, who did a spot of air drumming. Drums are famous for being not guitars. Generally you would expect to see a lower score for that, but he still got 5.8s and a 5.7. Then Smiley Rod followed him up with the exact same score. These guys actually have a lot in common despite the fact that one of them is the Lord of the End Times and the other looks like you'd probably trust him to babysit your kids. They're both a couple years in, and they're both seriously good.

Then, a rather more mismatched pair. The greasy goofiness of Ricky Stinkfinger (complete with fart noises) followed by the stonefaced referee dramatics of Thundergland. Although really how serious can someone be when their pants consist of a codpiece with a light-up lightning bolt on it? I love this gang of weirdos, you guys. Anyway, they got 5.8s and 5.9s - two 5.8s for Stinkfinger, and 2 5.9s for Thundergland.

The stage was now graced by one of the air guitarists I had really been looking forward to seeing: King Slayer. I saw her last year at the Dark Horse, but the intervening year has clearly been put to good use. Gone is the jokey nod to her namesake - medieval fur vests and a metal version of the Game of Thrones theme song - now she's strutting out in leather pants to the Arctic Monkeys' "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor" and whipping her shirt over her head to turn it into a Lionel Richie mask (the shirt underneath says "LIONEL FUCKING RICHIE" by the way) for a little Lionel Richie interlude. I just typed the name "Lionel Richie" more times in a row than I ever thought I would in my life. She just went apeshit all over the place and I guess I've discovered that the air guitarists I go craziest for are super-energetic women. Some people are into the heavy dudes, some are wild for the meta stuff, and I just want these high-energy bouncy numbers all day, every day.

And now, Depressing Interlude #1.

When she was getting her scores, one remark she got from the judges was that it was nice to see, for once, a woman not relying on sexy moves to get a good score. Never mind that this wasn't brought up when CindAIRella performed, also not trying to seduce the crowd. Never mind that men rely on sexy moves all the time to no detriment. Never mind that in her victorious second round in LA, King Slayer rode the FACE of a guy through the crowd and no one objected (neither do I, for the record). Suddenly at this moment, she was a beacon of pure rock and a lesson to all us other women. I had OPINIONS on this. I wasn't alone - more on this later. Her score, by the way, was straight 5.8s.

Next up, though, was The Shred, the grandfather of DC air guitar (well, he isn't technically a grandfather yet). I had never seen him and was really looking forward to it. He brought a cardboard tornado-chasing truck onstage, jumped out of it shaking booty to the tune of Fancy, then got down to business. I don't get the tornado truck, I'm sorry. I know he's the Shred-Nado but stage dressing just always seems superfluous. No one would have scored him less for not having it, I suspect. He bagged a 5.9 and two 5.8s and I'm certain that this was relating only to his chops, rightly so.

Oh, hometown hero time! The CorpAIRation wasn't the only Kansas City native in the competition, but up until the Dark Horse shook out to feature three more, he was the only one who had qualified. He is a bigtime fan of the Kansas City soccer team, Sporting KC, and all his stadium pals came around with a huge banner with his logo... it was great. Always roll deep to your competitions, you guys. 5.7, 5.7, 5.8. I would have given him another .1 somewhere but I guess I'll live with that score.

It was now the time of the 2013 US champ to defend his title. Lt. Facemelter came out with the most advanced jacket I'd ever seen - it lit up all over the place and just generally looked cool - and shot confetti around and rocked out with his typical precise flamboyance (it's not an oxymoron, watch the video) for straight 5.9s. I noted at the time that I was shocked that there wasn't any debris or significant amounts of beer or whatnot all over the floor up until now, and I think I jinxed everybody because boy did the crud start flying.

For instance, Dry Ice was next, bust out of his paper bag in a cloud of baby powder, and terrified the legs off the crowd for a 5.7, a 5.8, and the first 6.0 of the night. If you're following along, this means that the stage now includes scraps of paper and drifts of powder.

Tony Tapatio

Tony Tapatio definitely used sex moves, in the sense of moving his body in a sexy fashion,and also in that he threw condoms to the crowd and got... some kind of fluid all over the stage. Possibly lube, since we found out soon enough that it was very slippery. Death Trap 2014 was pretty much set up at this point. Despite endangering everyone's life and limb, Tapatio was amazing; I'm going to assume that he got 5.9, 5.9, and 6.0 because two of the judges had to dock a point for safety violations.

Oh, Seth Leibowitz. Such a nice young man. If you had to guess who was going to use a cover of "Kiss From a Rose"... actually, I don't know if I'd guess him. Maybe someone a little more romancey-pants. His persona comes off very innocent to me. But this is what he did, and he did it well, for two 5.9s and a 5.8.

Whalen Big Air

Another competitor I was looking forward to seeing was Whalen Big Air. The slippery stage claimed its first victim when he wiped out briefly, but he recovered and proceeded to do one of my favorite things: killing time during the bass parts. We saw Rocky Rhoads do this last year and I loved it then too. Whalen swigged from 2 beers and then crushed them against his butt. Since I'm not a sleaze, I'm not going to speculate on what kind of a butt you can crush beer cans on, and instead I'll just report that he got kind of low scores: 5.6s and a 5.7. And that he had now added beer to the slippery floor.

Flying Finn never disappoints. He's got the precision moves as well as throwing in theatrical good fun. This year, specifically, everyone wants to talk about how he pulls out a comb and grooms his beard in the middle, but you know what I love? I love the casual-point-at-the-audience move. Er, I just realized that it might have been actually pointing at a friend in the audience, but even if it wasn't, it just looks so fun-loving and like what someone might actually do when their band is playing. "Hey, there's Dave! Thanks for comin' out, Dave!" He got straight 5.7s.

Baberham Lincoln took the stage and I got to see her rip-shirt-reveal-flag-swimsuit move, which I had heard about but not witnessed. What is more pure rock fury than ripping open your shirt? You just can't contain yourself! And obviously she had an American flag swimsuit underneath. She's a president. She is so good, you guys, so good. She also took a spill on the skating rink that was the stage floor, and she also suffered in scores for it. I was not thrilled to see her get 5.6s and a 5.7, but I guess the judges were setting a precedent that said you'd better keep your balance or you're going to lose points. Fair enough, it will inevitably mess up your timing.

Remember how I said I love the high-energy performers who ricochet around the stage like a ping pong ball in a hurricane? The #1 reason I think that is because Rocky Rhoads has been my performance idol since the first time I saw her perform. She did not disappoint this time, either. Her scores were... medium, 5.7s and a 5.8, which sounds awful to call that medium, I'd die of sheer joy if I got that score, but we are talking about top-level competitors here. However, it is time for...

Depressing Interlude #2.

Having heard the remark about women using sex appeal to get ahead in air guitar when Kingslayer got her scores, Rocky was pissed off, and grabbed Bjorn Turoque's microphone to tell the judges they'd better not try to lay a line like that on her. This devolved into an out-and-out argument between her and Nordic Thunder, who was judging, about whether it's ok or not to tell off a woman for being sexy onstage. Not that she did any sex moves, incidentally, but it seemed pretty clear that as a woman, she was subject to additional judging criteria that didn't apply to men. It didn't end very well - they both went away mad, basically. They hugged and made up later, but the matter seems far from settled, and I'm going to talk about it further in a later post.

Having to follow this situation, which can't have been easy, was Doug "The Thunder" Stroock. It is a testament to his amazing talent that he totally blew me away - I was really in a weird, sad, conflicted mood, not a party mood at all like competitions usually are. It took a lot to pull me out of myself and back into cheering and screaming right away. He got 5.8, 5.9, 6.0, which is very good. I might have upgraded that a little, even. The man ate his guitar and played it in his belly!

And then, going last, 2012's US champ, the guy we used to make fun of for being young but can't anymore because there are two competitive air guitarists who are younger than him, Airistotle! He upheld his traditions both by sipping a beer through a straw, and by performing with his fly down (nothing untoward happened, but I guess he just needs to keep the... air... circulating). He's got so many moves - he's a rarity, because he's basically all airness. What I mean is there are some people whose entire performance hinges on their technical skill, and others who are all schtick, but Airistotle doesn't play the there guitar and doesn't have a character - that's honestly who he is all the time. He just goes up there and bounds around joyously and NAILS all his moves. He got straight sixes. But. I do have one little caveat. Like two others before him who got knocked down a few notches for it, he hit the slippery patch on the stage and took a spill. He hopped right back up and kept going, true. But I'd have maybe snipped a .1 off somewhere.

And then it was halftime! I don't have any photos of it, and it's kind of a blur, because I was in it! All the Dark Horses were invited to take part, and it was set up as a Sharks vs Jets air guitar street battle between "Team Nordic" and "Team Melin" (aka Team Melvis). One side would air guitar while their teammates cheered and the other team jeered, and then they'd switch... and then Party Hard came on and we all started jumping around and being best friends, because such is the power of Andrew WK.

And then, round 2 - how could last year's live guitar by Brendon Small be topped? I don't know, but this year, the curtain at the back of the stage rose up to reveal the opening band, Me Like Bees, playing a solo-enriched, minute-long version of Cheap Trick's "Surrender." Amazing!

The second round was, as usual in any top-level event, packed. When everyone's this good, scores are bound to be tied; there are only so many permutations of 5.8s and 5.9s and 6.0s to give out, you know? The order they came in was (tied for 4th) Seth Leibowitz, Dry Ice, and Thundergland; (tied for 3rd) Thunder Stroock and Facemelter; second place, Tony Tapatio, and in first with his perfect score, Airistotle.

Doug "The Thunder" Stroock, round 2

Leibowitz made a smart move going first and running up on the there-band, playing back to back with them and so on - you know that was an idea everyone had, so he took the only advantage going first confers, and did it before them. Other notable performances include Dry Ice, who used a prop that The Shred brought in case he made round 2, a big cardboard box that he had audience members hold up so that he could jump crashing through it at the end, and Tony Tapatio using a little set of stairs to jump off into the audience. Thunder Stroock did a fantastic routine and ripped his pants off to reveal sparkly manties, NAILED the ending, and got a really fantastic score of 5.9 and two 6.0s. But Airistotle took note of something no one had done yet in the second round - benefit of going last! - and started out by PLUGGING IN ON THE REAL GEAR. And fist-bumped and nodded to his "bandmates," and it all just went off perfectly. And so were his scores. STRAIGHT SIXES AGAIN.

YOUR 2014 US AIR GUITAR CHAMPION IS AIRISTOTLE!

Freebird time!

He's off to Finland shortly to represent the USA on the world stage for the second time! He'll face defending World Champion Mean Melin, as well as the top air guitarists from all the other participating countries.

A few other US air guitarists will be joining him as dark horses; the World Championship dark horse competition is a walk-on show and anyone can compete, so expect some Americans to qualify through.